I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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