WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
