Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
