i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
