hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There's always time for handjobs
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
