I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
