I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
