i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
