Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
