Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
