I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
