I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
that may or may not have been my penis.
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