peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
