It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
