Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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