I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
