what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
