OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
