I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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