I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
