I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
