i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
