he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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