I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
