the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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