Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
false alarm, still single
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
