i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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