that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
