Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
