is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
