i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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