Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
