btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
