so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
