Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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