Do you still have your period?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
