I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize