If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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