I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
