i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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