He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize