just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
