Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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