He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
