I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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