i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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