If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
