I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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