textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
