Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
