in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
