Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
