I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm really busy with my period
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
