eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
