He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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