I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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