i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
