you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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