just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His nipple licking is glorious
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