Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize