He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
