i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize